Bill
KingOfDumbJokes
A partial collection of Bill's original dumb jokes & puns, enjoy!
(listed newest to oldest) more to come, as I come up with them
11/04/2024
| Guanajuato, Mexico |
I Guanajuato.
Will you teach me how to juato?
(Guanajuato ~> wanna wato) |
10/10/2024
| If gravity was a woman, |
| I'D FALL FOR HER |
09/05/2024
| what do you call a guy named James who is sick of working out? |
| JIM NAUSEAM |
08/31/2024
| I CAN REMEMBER LYRICS TO EVERY SONG |
| Guess that means I have a phonographic memory |
08/14/2024
| She asked me, what are you? |
me - I'm a PROTON
her - You don't look like one,are you sure?
me - Yes, I'm POSITIVE, why are you so negative? |
08/03/2024
| why do dancers make terrible mathematicians? |
| Because they only know four numbers: 5, 6, 7, 8 |
05/17/2024
| Genics-101 2 Chinese parents can't have a Caucasian baby |
| Because 2 Wongs don't make a White |
05/17/2024
| You know you're old when |
Your first car was
ONE HORSEPOWER
(literally) |
05/06/2024
| I don't eat Mushrooms |
it makes me feel like a CANNIBAL
xuz I'm a FUNGI (using the very common mispronunciation that sounds like fun guy) |
05/03/2024
| what do you call it when the leader of a church gets heated and angry? |
| He is Pastorized |
04/14/2024
| What's a Mexican's favorite letter? |
i i i iiiii
(ay ay ay ay) |
04/10/2024
| What's the Vegan's favorite song? |
John
GIVE PEAS A CHANCE |
04/09/2024
| Juan married a Chinese guy |
Juan took his husband's last name,
he's now JUAN TU |
03/31/2024
| Daryl Hall with the band and got a job as a truck driver for a farm |
He went from Hall & Oates
to hauling oats! |
10/04/2023
| Mexican girl named Jess |
When she was born at the hospital the nurse asked her father, " you have a name for the baby?"
The father answered,"Jess" (the nurse wrote it down, before he completed his sentence) " her name is 'Maria'" |
10/01/2023
| Police responded to annoys disturbance in the park, late one night |
They approached a woman who managed the description and began to arrest her. She aasked, why?
they responded, because you were making quite a racket tonight.
you said, oh that wasn't me! I could never make a racket, because I'm Annette! |
08/24/2023
| Aye Chuhuahua |
| You Chupacabra! |
07/30/2023
| there's a place in Mexico where all the proctologists live |
| it's called Cape Asshole & they're all a bunch of jerks, too. |
06/12/2023
| What's a Terminal Illness? |
| when you get sick at the AIRPORT |
03/23/2023
| What's the most common last name in America? |
| it's Bytheway |
02/12/2023
| why do fish make terrible comedians |
| Because they always flop! |
01/10/2023
| e=mc² means |
I get energy from eating 2 Big Macs
right? |
11/29/2022
| Why do long distance runners wear diapers? |
| Because they have the RUNS |
11/10/2022
| a plumber tattooed J O K E on his butt |
So when he bent over,
He'd be cracking the joke. |
11/06/2022
| why watch football anymore? |
With so many new ways of being penalized the game has become 58 minutes of penalties and two minutes of gameplay.
If I wanted to see guys in stripes wondering around for an hour, I go to the nearest prison. |
06/03/2022
| I get frustrated teaching Special Education classes |
| When I'm taking attendence and call the name "Ed," everybody says "HERE!" |
05/20/2022
| Was there a "big bang" to start the universe? |
NO, the universe began as clouds of gas, it had to be the "big FART"
Probably ate Taco Bell for lunch. |
04/09/2022
| An onion was leading a tomato in a race |
The tomato yelled, slow down you're making me cry.
The onion replied, No! You KETCHUP! |
03/29/2022
| I know a guy with a ball of yarn & a hook who's bouncing off the walls |
| he's Rick Crochet! |
02/28/2022
| Why are baseball players difficult to drug test?? |
| Because they don't have urine_ only have you're out! |
02/22/2022
| The band says they play The Doors |
| but they don't do windows |
12/24/2021
| Santa Clause is a polygamist |
| There's Santa Ana, Santa Monica, Sanda Clara, & more |
12/08/2021
| Isaac Newton was a lawyer, too |
| He created the laws of motion |
10/11/2021
| Why don't people like the hyphen? |
| Because it is always NEGATIVE - |
08/06/2021
| What do you say to a sheep in a hockey rink? |
| PUCK EWE! |
05/18/2021
| What do you call an angry seed? |
pistacio
(pissed acio) |
05/15/2021
| What is a DISCO nose? |
| When your nose has a little boogie in it! |
05/06/2021
| What does a Mexican cow say? |
| MOOcho GRASSYass |
03/06/2021
| My farts sound like geese |
| I have a goose loose in my caboose |
12/28/2020
| What do you call Irish fudge? |
| O' Fudge! |
08/15/2020
| What does a country singer say after flushing the toilet? |
| Turn out the lights the potty's over... |
07/26/2020
| Have they found big foot? |
| No, not yeti |
06/16/2020
| Why don't old people get herd immunity? |
| Because they wear hearing aids & haven't heard yet |
06/15/2020
| Do women have hemoglobin? |
| or do they have shemoglobin? |
05/21/2020
| What's it caled if you serve Mexican & Chinese food on the same day in Prison? |
CONfusion
|
03/09/2020
| Who plants Fuzzy Trees? |
| Harry Potter |
03/04/2020
| What do you get when you put laundry detergent in a swimming pool? |
| a Tide pool |
02/15/2020
| Where do they sell Camel's Milk? |
| At the Dramedary |
02/13/2020
| Why are triangles so attractive? |
| Because they have acute angle |
01/16/2020
| What do you call a liquor store that also sells donuts? |
| Drunken Donuts |
01/06/2020
| Which gaming console do mathematicians like most? |
| Xbox |
12/05/2019
| What did the Biologist say when her sister stepped on her foot? |
| Ow! That was mytosis |
11/28/2019
| My dog was mad that I left him alone, so he pooped by the door |
| it was Revenge of the Turds |
11/16/2019
| What kind of fish does your dad's sister like? |
| Auntchovies |
11/16/2019
| What did the buffalo say when his boy moved out? |
| Bison! |
11/14/2019
| What kind of crazy bug only bites at night? |
| A Lunartick |
10/23/2019
| Chinese Mexican fusion food |
Wonton Tomato
(Guantanamera) |
10/13/2019
| Aspen |
| What you use to write on your back pocket. |
10/13/2019
| How wierd is it when a guitar player breaks a G string? |
| To change it does he have to remove his pants? |
10/09/2019
| Why do older white men have no butt? |
| Because they're GLUTEn free. |
09/22/2019
| Why are Geneticist such terrible writers? |
Because they can only use 4 letters:
A, C, G, & T. |
08/02/2019
| Do you want a bag? (at the store) |
after my divorce, I started replying
No thanks, I'm recently divorced, don't want a new bag yet, I just got rid of the 'old bag' |
07/30/2019
| William Shakespear's first job was cook at a local pub |
He worked the breakfast shift.
His specialty was, eggs with bell peppers, ham & onions inside the eggs fried & folded over.
He called it a "Hamlet."
One day he thought, "what a great title for a play!" |
07/27/2019
| Why can't you plant a mathematical tree in a round pot |
| Because it has a SQUARE ROOT |
07/24/2019
| He's blind... |
| So, how can he be a VISIONARY? |
07/05/2019
| How do you get Mexicans drunk? |
Combine 5 eggs with oil
cinco de MAYO |
07/04/2019
| Ever wonder why Pirates were in such a good mood? |
On every ship they had 2 chinese hookers, the Yoh sisters
Yoh ho, Yoh ho... |
07/02/2019
| Alternate lyrics for Ay,Ay,Ay Cielito Lindo |
Ay ay ay ay,
I ate frijoles & farted.
It smells bad,
they got mad on the elevator.
I'm so sad I'm not allowed back in that store.
Ay ay ay ay... |
06/29/2019
| What's the Mexican Christmas song for dogs? |
There's fleas on my dog,
There's fleas on my dog,
There's fleas on my dog,
He's really itchin' & it's really bad!
I wanna wish him a flea dip Christmas... |
06/25/2019
| How do you sing under water? |
You sing aquapella
and always in the bass clef (under the C, middle c that is) |
06/14/2019
| I'm tall & slim, like a baguette |
| I guess that makes me a good roll model. |
05/18/2019
| What do you call a pixie who eats Taco Bell? |
| Stinkerbell of course. |
05/05/2019
| What do Apple employees eat for breakfast? |
They eat SIRIAL
Apple Jacks of course |
04/30/2019
| Lay down if you're short? |
When I get tired I lay down in bed to sleep & then get up when I awake.
What do midgets say? Lay Up & Get Down? |
04/18/2019
| Oye Como Va! what it really is... |
It's actually a song about a Jewish guy with male pattern baldness.
Oy Vay Comover (oy vay comova) |
03/28/2019
| The waitress must really like me |
| Every time I start to leave her Mexican restaurant, she tries to lure me back by offering, "bonus nachos" |
03/25/2019
| What kind of food are buenos? |
Are they good with cheese?
or do you only eat
buenos noches? |
03/22/2019
| How do you like your rice? |
I like my rice ANGRY
(steamed) |
03/22/2019
| Popeye says "I am what I am & that's all what I am" |
| Does that mean God (The Great "I AM") is Popeye? |
03/21/2019
| Dogs are always ready right where you left off with them |
| I guess that's because they're dog-eared |
03/21/2019
| What is Pi divided by 8? |
A slice too small for me, I love dessert!
(joke has to be told verbally in the midst of a conversation involving math) |
03/16/2019
| In math why do A & B always win? |
Because secant
(You had to have taken Trigonomretry to get that one) |
03/11/2019
| Shakespeare's grandaughter works at McDonald's, what's her name? |
| McBeth, of course |
03/11/2019
| Guy goes to the Doctor |
DOC:
"We need a CAT scan...
MAN:
No thank you, I'm a dog person. |
03/08/2019
| Global Warming class added to school curriculum |
California created a class called "Bovine Flatulence Analytics"
Being developed by Beto O'Dork &
A.O.C. (Always Over Clueless) |
02/08/2019
| I tried a booty call once |
| I don't know why guys do it so much, a booty can't answer the phone. What's the point in calling them? |
11/10/2018
| Why did the chicken cross the road? |
| dunno, but the road sure was mad (crossed) |
04/25/2016
| What's the name of a Chinese guy with a bladder control problem? |
| Lee King |
12/17/2009
| What Blood type is Dracula? |
(you must guess now)
↓
↓
↓
➘
What's Dracula's blood type?
YOURS! |
06/05/1999
Hi, my name is Bill,
in Chinese it's "Hay Yu" |
(talking to a gal)Your name is "Hu Mi"
(pointing to her date), his is "Noh Nah Chew"
*wink* |
--
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